Story im working on.

[pyroscar]

Hey Ya'll. I'm currently working on a book. The following is a rough draft of what I have thus far. Let me know what you think. Thanks.

He looked up into the sky and remembered the saying she used to say, “Patience always holds the answer, never give up on that, because if you do, then you give up on me.” It ran through his head, the nightmare a Protector never should have. His client had perished many years ago, since then he has shunned himself from the other protectors for losing her. He is the only protector to ever lose his client. He can be seen frequently watching the roads protecting travelers from danger, it’s the only thing he knew to do, protect others and be patient just as she had asked. He sighed and closed his eyes for a moment, before standing up to go check out the roads. He grabbed his sword and started toward the road.
Once he reached the road he looked each way to see nothing in sight. He looked back and forth before deciding to go north today. He started to walk north thinking of her again, and everything she had done for him, and all of their travels. He looks down at his clothes, the very clothes she made for him, with blue runic symbols to protect him from evil. He had dyed the clothes from the previous black to be white. His under shirt was blue with white runic symbols, while his over shirt was white with blue runic symbols along with her name on the back in purple letters, her favorite color. He sighed again and looked up to see what was ahead. He looked left to right to see nothing. He looked further in front of him to see something small, but he couldn’t make it out. He started running towards it to hear vicious snarls of demons. He unsheathed his sword and ran faster towards the people in danger.
“Attack it from the sides both of you!” yelled a feminine voice. “Use your magic to slow it down! “ The demon clashed and knocked both of the guards from its sides and charged at the one on the left. It kicked the guard in his rib cage causing him to go flying upwards. The demon snorted and went after the other guard and trampled him to death. The demon let out a laugh and charged towards the female. “Get down now!” yelled out a man’s voice The man jumped in front of his and cut the demon from ear to ear making it stumble backwards. The Man jumped in the air, and began conjuring black fire around his sword. Once the flames encased his entire sword he went towards the demon, slicing the demon straight in half. As the flames began to fade so did the demons body. “Never fight a demon without help” said the man “are you alright?” “I’m fine, check on the guard over there”, yelled the woman who was now getting to her feet. He ran over to the guard to check on him but he knew he was dead. He bowed his head and ran to the other guard. “P-p-please, pr-protect th-the pri…” the last guard said with his last breath. He bowed his head again and ran back to the woman.

[pyroscar]

“Both of the guards have passed…I’m sorry” he said with his head bowed, “I didn’t make it in time.” “Well then since it’s your entire fault, escort me to Castle Remin” she said to him with a menacing tone. “He bowed his head “Castle Remin is a day walk from here. There is a place to stay for the night a bit further down the road; we can make it before the Night Walkers come out.” “Then let us make haste then.” She replied. They started off towards the town, but she stopped. “My name is Amie, Princess Amie to you.” “My name is not important to those who will not need to know it.” “Aren’t you just a rude peasant” she yelled. He grabbed his sword and held it to her throat. “I am not a peasant, just because you’re a Princess does not make you better than I. If you do not lose your royal attitude, you can get to your castle yourself.” Amie nodded her head. He lowered his blade, “now let’s go” he said as he started to go towards Deina. She followed with a sour look upon her face.
The trip to Deina was short and quiet, and just as he had said they made it right before dark. He guided her to the Inn. “Your night is paid for, I’ll see you in the morning” he said to her as he walked off. “And where are you going?” Amie replied. “To do my job, to protect this village from Night Walkers.” He said as he jumped into the air. Amie looked confused and started to walk into the Inn when something jumped in front of her. “So, you’re the almighty Princess! Well time for you to come with me” Growled the thing. “No she isn’t Night walker” replied the man. He jumped in front of Amie. “You will leave or suffer the same fate as all of your other Kin.” “No, it is you who shall suffer tonight Protector! For we know your secret! The only protector to ever lose his client! HAHAHAHA Tonight you die! Get him brothers!” howled the Night Walker.
The first night walked jumped on to his back, while another came running at him from the side. “Run inside!” yelled the man as he unsheathed his sword and cut the night walker running at him in half. He threw the one off his back and stabbed it through its mouth. He charged at the one who had been talking and cut him in half, while getting attacked in the back again. This night walker dug his claws deep into his skin. He tried to throw it off but its claws where in to deep. He fell to his knees screaming in Agony from the claws. He then fell to his arms. He tried to throw it off again but failed. Another Night walked dug its claws into his sides making him scream even more in pain. “HAHAHAHA the almighty protector will perish this night” Yelled out one of the Night walkers. “No, not tonight” he yelled! Black flames started to surround his body, burning the night walkers on his back. The night walkers caught flame and were burned quickly from the heat of the black flames. “You will all perish” he yelled as the blame flames burst catching all of the night walkers on fire. “I am Sin from the order of the Protectors. You shall never hurt these people again for as long as I live”.
Once the Night walkers had all burned and turned to ash, Sin’s flames subsided and dispersed. Amie walked out of the Inn and saw Sin on the ground showing his wounds from the Night Walkers. Amie ran to Sin, “Are you okay, their claws went in deep”. “I said to stay inside”. He replied. “Well sorry for caring”. “I didn’t ask you to care.” “Well fine” Yelled Amie as she stormed off. “Still popular with the girls eh Sin?” replied a man who walked to his side. “You know me old friend” replied sin. “Exactly, why I’m here, once you finish escorting the Princess back, come back to the Temple, we have a job for you” said the man. Sin’s eyes shifted to him, “a job? A new client?” “That’s right; we have someone with high importance that needs a protector, you the only one who doesn’t have one.” “I’m not a protector; I couldn’t protect my last client. I have shamed the Protectors so I can no longer be one” Said sin as he stood up. “You say that, but you’re still protecting this village. Protecting the people on the roads, you’re still a protector. If you change your mind, come to the temple” replied the man as he disappeared. “I don’t know if I can…brother…” said sin as he walked into the inn.

[pyroscar]

The next morning Sin waited for Amie to awaken. “Were wasting Daylight, hurry up Princess” said Sin. “Well good morning to you too!” she snarled back. Sin threw a loaf of bread to her. “Eat while we walk. We’ll reach Castle Remin a little bit after midday” Stated sin as he started to walk. They walked for half the morning without speak until Amie asked, “what did that Night walker mean by the only protector to lose his client?”. “Do not ask questions that do not concern your ear.” He replied. “So, I guess it’s false then what they say about Protectors how they will do everything to protect their client, maybe I shouldn’t get one after all.” She said while smirking. Sin stopped “you put in for a protector?” “I didn’t my Father did.” She replied, “Why”. “Great they want me to be your protector.” “what do you mean, your no protector. You’re rude and inconsiderate. You could never be one!” Amie said with anger. “Think what you want child, you barely know anything outside of your castle walls. If it weren’t for me you’d be dead by now.” Said Sin with a serious tone. “I’ll show you!” replied Amie as she unsheathed her sword. Amie jumped into the air, and started going toward Sin with her sword. “Foolish girl” muttered Sin under his breath. When Amie’s sword was two inches from Sin’s back, she stopped in mid air. She looked around and was just floating. Sin stopped moving and bowed his head, “You are quick tempered and easy to judge. How do you expect to be anyone in a fight, let alone lead a Kingdom” sin said as he turned around and faced her. “You have no right to try and attack someone from the rear, especially a protector. “ Once he finished talking Amie fell to the ground. “Get up, let’s go. We’re roughly half way there.” Sin said as he turned and walked onward. Amie was shocked at what just happened. She sheathed her sword and followed onward still shocked.”

[pyroscar]

Well, no replies that means it must suck. Thanks for the input, I'll work on it more.

[Rei]

It's good no doubt , but there are a bunch of typos in it like in this sentence:
"As the flames began to fade* so did the demon**s body."
* = should have a comma there
** = should have an apostrophe there

Or this one:
"How do you expect to +be anyone in a fight+, let alone lead a Kingdom***” sin said as he turned around and faced her."
+...+ = awkward wording, I think "best anyone in battle" has a good ring to it instead
*** = should have a question mark there

The other thing is that the spacing seems to have not translated from Microsoft Word (or whatever) into this forum's internet typing, and it makes it tricky to read.

The only other tip I have is not to introduce too many new characters at once/in a short timespan, or if you do, give the significant ones names as soon as possible.
Actually, on a related note, it would probably be good to make there only be one guard that dies in the beginning. The reason most games make two guards for this is because things seem more significant/powerful when they come in threes, so the important character seems more important by being (visually-speaking) the center of three characters. Anyway, because of the change from visual art to literature, I suggest just making one guard to keep it simpler.